Maybe the Old Songs

On uploading songs to my Ipod and God finding us through pop songs.

Maybe the old songs
Will bring back the old times
Maybe the old lines
Will sound new

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I've been busy uploading songs in the ipod my wife gave me (so much for dissertation!). I'm up to 346 songs and counting. Hahaha. I must still have around 150 more in a list I created. (The major contributors left to be uploaded are Nat King Cole, Matt Monro, Dionne Warwick, Broadway, Phil Collins and a number of loose songs, some fun like Electric Dreams and Theme from "The Greatest American Hero")

I think I'll end up with a collection a lot of parents (both of the standards-filled post World War II era and the 60's/70's) would love. Christmas idea, anyone? Just raid my playlist which I might make available via Facebook.

Several years ago, I made a tape compilation of oldies and gave it as a gift to co-workers at Ateneo. I think that was in 1998. One oldie and her husband really loved my gift. Because I made them happy then, I'm thinking of giving them another one next year even if I don't work with them anymore and I'm not particularly close to them. Always nice to make people giddily happy. Who knows, maybe I made their marriage romantic for many nights thereafter. hahaha

Yesterday, as I was about to sleep, the ipod shuffled on over to Barry Manilow's "The Old Songs" (Is it old enough for my students not to know it :-)? And I ended up saying to myself, ya, the old songs. Old because they are really old. I'm hard pressed to think of a song that's recent. (Sting would probably be the most familiar to my students today. They probably even associate McCartney with The Beatles and not as a solo artist).

But also old because they are the songs of my yesterdays. Songs I grew up with in Bangkok with my father. Nat King Cole, How much is that Doggie in the Window? (hahaha), The Platters, etc. Songs I grew up on in Manila with my brothers and sisters (Eagles, America, Barry Manilow, etc.)

For those of you who don't know the song, it's about a guy who's about to have dinner with what I assume is an ex or estranged lover ("and soon she'll be by, hope and pray she'll say that she's willing to give us another try... it's been too long since I've seen her face light up when I come in, it's been too many hours I've wasted staring at the phone).

And the guy has laid out the works to try to win her back (Candles burning, glass are chilled) But he has a contingency plan. He says, "And if all the plans I made don't melt the lady's heart, I'll put on the old 45" (45: small long-playing record. hahaha. funny how I feel I have to explain myself)

Then the chorus: "Maybe the old songs will bring back the old times, maybe the old lines will sound new. Maybe she'll lay her head on my shoulder. Maybe old feelings will come through. Maybe we'll start to cry and wonder why we ever walked away. Maybe the old songs will bring back the old times and make her want to stay".

Last night, before I slept, I was thinking, this seems to be an appropriate "God song". The God story could be that there's this girl (sorry girls, "she" and "her" kasi yung kanta) who has moved away from God, probably more along the lines of indifference rather than rebellion. But there is an opportunity for God to reach out to this girl. Maybe she's going on retreat or to a recollection. Or maybe she's visiting a chapel. Or maybe she's having a quiet moment. Or maybe she's reading a blog.

And God is thinking, okay, I've laid out everything to take advantage of this rare opportunity when I'll be with this girl. But if all else fails, maybe the old songs will bring back the old times, maybe the old lines will sound new. Maybe she'll lay her head on my shoulder, maybe old feelings will come through. Maybe we'll start to cry and wonder why we ever walked away. Maybe the old songs will bring back the old times and make her want to stay.

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In Ignatian prayer, we are taught to use whatever helps to bring us closer to God, even pop songs. I think it is true of our God. He uses whatever helps to bring us closer to him. Maybe the old songs will bring back the old times and make us want to stay.

Happy New Year everyone!

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The Old Songs
Barry Manilow


Candles burning
Glasses are chilled and soon
She'll be by
Hope and pray She'll
say that she's willing to give us
Another try

And if all those plans I've made
Don't melt the lady's heart
I'll put on the old 45's

And maybe the old songs
Will bring back the old times
Maybe the old lines
Will sound new
Maybe she'll lay her
Head on my shoulder
Maybe old feelings
Will come through

Maybe we'll start to cry
And wonder why
We ever walked away
Maybe the old songs
Will bring back the old times
And make her want to stay

It's been too long since I've
Seen her face light up
When I come home
It's been too many Hours
I've wasted staring
At the phone

Sweet old songs I'm counting on you
To bring her back to me
I'm tired of listening alone

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P.S. I hope you know or are able to listen to the song. It's really nice.

My God of Surprises

I gave a talk to the Ateneo Christian Life Community today in preparation for their five-day, silent, individually directed Ignatian retreat. I thought I'd also post it here.
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I suppose I should first introduce myself. I am Leland, ACLC batch 1989 to 1993. Almost twenty years ago, I was in a pre-retreat workshop just like you.

I’d like to start by telling all of you that there are three gifts ACLC gave to me 15 years ago that I am thankful for until today. The first is my wife. Back then and probably until now, ACLC was known as the Ateneo Christian Loving Couples.



The second was apostolate but today is not the day to talk about that.

The third is the retreat and that is why I am here.

The talks today focused mostly on what to do during the formal prayer period. Silencing, meditation, contemplation which are used during the four or five prayer periods in a day.

I’d like to spend some time today talking about the moments in between the prayer periods when you are relaxing or just chillin which are very much part of the retreat. Let me do this by telling you four stories.

One night, during my third year retreat at Mirador, I waited for everyone else to sleep and when they were asleep, I went to the lobby of the retreat house which had a view of mountains covered in darkness and I watched car headlights travelling through the mountains. I had along with me a guitar and my 1001 song hits and since everyone was asleep and I was far away from the quarters, I started singing pop songs.



I was playing and singing songs at random and then I came upon Run to Me by the Bee Gees So I started playing and singing,

If ever you’ve got rain in your heart,
Someone has hurt you and torn you apart
Am I unwise, to open up your eyes to love me

After a short while, as I paid more attention to the lyrics. I started to cry because I realized that this song was God’s song for me at that moment. I could imagine God singing to me.

Run to me whenever you're lonely
Run to me if you need a shoulder
Now and then, you'll need someone older
So darling, you run to me
Story #1: Finding God in a pop song.

A year later, I was asked by my retreat director to ask for the grace to feel God’s love and she made me do a little pen and paper exercise involving remembering your past. So I went out to the garden and sat under a tree and started doing the exercise.

After a while, I took a break and shortly after, I noticed a ladybug crawling on my notes so I watched it for a while. Looking at the ladybug, I remembered my father’s first car, a Volkswagen beetle. Then I remembered my father who has always been the closest thing to God’s love in my life. Then I started to cry. Grace granted, thanks to a ladybug.

Two years later, I was on another retreat as a faculty member, and in between prayer periods, I forced my way right next to a window behind a blackboard in the chapel of the retreat house. I was just looking out when suddenly a bird dropped in on the windowsill and just stood there for a while. I looked at it and while I looked at it I remembered the Gospel passage about birds:


Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat [or drink], or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food and clothing? Look at the birds in the sky; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing in barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not more important than they? Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your lifespan? (Matthew 6:25-27)

And then I started to cry. Story #3: Finding God through a bird.

Story #4: Just one more example, then I will summarize. Third year retreat, Mirador, same lobby at night. Mirador, as some of you may know, is famous for its ghosts. I was at the lobby looking out at the dark mountain when I heard someone whisper, “Leland”. Eh di syempre kinilabutan ako and I looked up and down the three corridors leading to the lobby and I even looked behind the receptionist’s desk to see if someone was playing a practical joke on me and when I didn’t find anyone, I practically ran to my room and went to sleep.


The next morning, between prayer periods, I went back to the lobby and sat in one of the chairs. From that chair I saw this familiar painting on the wall and I looked at it for some time. Then I noticed that behind Jesus was a door locked from the inside.

This image of doors locked from the inside frequently appears in my formal prayers and when I saw is painting, I got the message. The doors I lock can’t keep Jesus out. In fact, he’ll join me in my locked rooms. Story #4: Finding God in a painting.

I think it is obvious from what I’ve shared so far that there are two themes I want to emphasize.
The first is openness to the possibility of encountering God at any time, whether it be inside or outside formal prayer. Formal prayer periods were moments of grace for me but breaks between prayers when I was chillin’ were even greater moments of grace. That is why we remain silent and attentive even when we are not praying. We never know when and how God wants to make his presence felt. We must always be available.

The second is the openness to the possibility of finding God in all things. We find God moving us through scriptures and readings and exercises, yes, but we can also find God through music, even pop music but also religious music. We can find God through nature. We can find God through art. God will communicate to each one of us in a unique way, oftentimes in unexpected ways.

The readings today were also somewhat about that. The Jews were not expecting a God who takes on what St. Paul calls, the form of a slave. They were expecting an earthly king, a new David who would drive the Romans away. Nor were they expecting a God who, as St. John emphasizes, would die on the cross. Our God is a God of surprises and we must develop the sensitivity to recognize him when he is already there.

One thing is clear, however, God will try to find a way to reach out to us. He will find a way and a time to get his message across.

Let me end with one thought and one story. I think that one difficulty faced by Ateneans when doing retreats is not that they don’t try hard but that they try too hard. One of my earliest prayers in a retreat, a contemplation, an exercise of the imagination, was about Jesus walking on water. I was Peter and I asked Jesus to call me out to him. In the Gospel reading, Peter does walk on water but after a while gets scared and starts to sink. In my version, Jesus calls out to me, and I paused for a moment then instead of walking on water, I jumped out of the boat and swam and swam in an attempt to get to Jesus. And while I was swimming all I could hear was the sound of Jesus laughing as if he had seen the funniest thing ever in his life.

I never understood that prayer until 15 years later. I realized that what it meant is that I try too hard and fail to realize that coming close to Jesus isn’t about effort, it is about grace. I do not approach him by swimming by my effort but with his grace, I walk on water.

What’s my point? I fear that in sharing these stories to Ateneans who tend to be cerebral is that you will try your darndest best to come up with insights with every little thing you encounter. Maybe when you see a bird, you will recite the passage I recited and feel frustrated that it does not evoke tears or consolation. Maybe when you see a statue, you get frustrated that it does not evoke insights or feelings. Take heart, God talks to us, each in our own unique way. That is why you have individual retreat directors. They are there to help you listen.

If you listened carefully to my first four stories, God approached me when I was not trying to approach him or when I had just taken a break from trying to approach him. I was relaxing, I was chilling.

And that is my final point. To feel the presence of God in a retreat, or even in your everyday life, to feel God’s love or acceptance, to realize what God wants to tell you, to achieve clarity in your life and your decisions, to increase your faith in God and your hope in the world, to increase your courage or missionary zeal, all this is gift, all this is grace. Our efforts at silencing, meditation and contemplation, through our abstinence from talking, from facebook, from multiply, from ym, from cellphones is our way of saying, “Speak, Lord, I am listening”. And God appreciates that. The effort we put shows him that we do want to listen. But when and how he chooses to speak and what he has to say, only God will decide.

It is still a month away but let me end with a wish for all of you that in your five days of silence and listening, you will be open to God’s grace and sometime, somehow, you will feel God’s presence.

As you go through your retreat, it might help if you imagine God telling you:

Relax and know that I am God.